One of those Days

So woke I up this morning and the sun was shining, it was a beautiful spring day.  On Saturday my daughter and I usually take a walk to the library and get some new books and then let our day unfold from there.

I bought my daughter a second hand bicycle the other day and thought it was about time I do this because she is now 5 and I learnt to ride a bicycle without training wheels when I was six years old.  I remember the day clearly when my Dad took my wheels off my bike and I had to learn to balance. 

Anyway, after going to the library my daughter asks if she can go and ride her bicycle to which I respond maybe.  I saw our neighbour on the way back and asked her if she knew of anywhere around that I could take her to ride her bicycle.  She gave me a list of a few places and so I decided that we would go out and I would let my daughter ride her bike.

Immediately after I see where I was going to be going the thought pops into my head, I so wish my hubby was with us and could come with.  I then feel an immense sadness come over me and think of how much nicer it would be to go out as a family.  It is one of those feelings that just eats a person's heart up.

With my brave face on I take my daughter's bicycle out of the house and walk to the car with it.  Just as I go to open up the boot of my car I see a white feather.  My mind immediately points out to me that my hubby is here with us and will be with us but not physically and rather just spiritually.  It eased the pain a little but I was still emotional.

While walking around at our destination there were a ton of couples and families walking around and the sadness just took over again but I tried to stay as upbeat as possible for my daughters sake.  She had fun and thoroughly enjoyed herself.  Another day done and another day missing my dearest husband.

Going Quiet

So I have gone quiet and have not written anything for a while.  I have times where I withdraw, withdraw from people and the world because it's the way that I find I can cope with what is going on inside of me.

So my cousin has been having a hard time since January and I have tried to be there for her as much as I possibly can.  Meanwhile I have been dealing with my own demons by myself, not once letting her or anyone else know what was really going on.  In fact last month a few days before my wedding anniversary I ended up in A&E thinking that I might be dying.  The staff at the hospital were so good with me and I was lucky enough to have a really good friend by my side during the whole ordeal.  It turns out that it is my mind again and my body reacting to what is going on in the inside.  My heart rate was above 120, I was shaking, I felt sore all over my body and I couldn't catch my breath properly.  Anyone who has had panic attacks will understand these symptoms and this was exactly what was happening to me.  I'm not new to panic attacks but I have medication to take when I feel one coming on except this time the medication didn't touch the panic and so I landed up at A&E.

After this ordeal I felt exhausted, physically and mentally just exhausted.  I did not end up going to my CBT appointment and I have not been back since.  To be honest I just feel like it is causing me more harm than good, perhaps it's just the timing but then when is the best time. 

Holidays again now and it is just my daughter and I.  I have tried my very best to make Easter fun for her but at the back of my mind I feel so lonely that my husband is not here experiencing this with us.  Today I get a phone call from my cousin to go over for dinner, she is one of those people that think I should get over my shit and be in a different relationship already.  I so wish it was that easy and I pray that she is never put under the circumstances that I find myself in.  So I will get my daughter and I dressed and merrily go over there for dinner and act like nothing is wrong, like all is good and when I come home tonight I feel exhausted from having to fake smile and pretend to be happy when inside my heart is torn in half.