Going Quiet

So I have gone quiet and have not written anything for a while.  I have times where I withdraw, withdraw from people and the world because it's the way that I find I can cope with what is going on inside of me.

So my cousin has been having a hard time since January and I have tried to be there for her as much as I possibly can.  Meanwhile I have been dealing with my own demons by myself, not once letting her or anyone else know what was really going on.  In fact last month a few days before my wedding anniversary I ended up in A&E thinking that I might be dying.  The staff at the hospital were so good with me and I was lucky enough to have a really good friend by my side during the whole ordeal.  It turns out that it is my mind again and my body reacting to what is going on in the inside.  My heart rate was above 120, I was shaking, I felt sore all over my body and I couldn't catch my breath properly.  Anyone who has had panic attacks will understand these symptoms and this was exactly what was happening to me.  I'm not new to panic attacks but I have medication to take when I feel one coming on except this time the medication didn't touch the panic and so I landed up at A&E.

After this ordeal I felt exhausted, physically and mentally just exhausted.  I did not end up going to my CBT appointment and I have not been back since.  To be honest I just feel like it is causing me more harm than good, perhaps it's just the timing but then when is the best time. 

Holidays again now and it is just my daughter and I.  I have tried my very best to make Easter fun for her but at the back of my mind I feel so lonely that my husband is not here experiencing this with us.  Today I get a phone call from my cousin to go over for dinner, she is one of those people that think I should get over my shit and be in a different relationship already.  I so wish it was that easy and I pray that she is never put under the circumstances that I find myself in.  So I will get my daughter and I dressed and merrily go over there for dinner and act like nothing is wrong, like all is good and when I come home tonight I feel exhausted from having to fake smile and pretend to be happy when inside my heart is torn in half.

How to Continue

Today I find myself questioning how to continue with this blog I have created.  This is not the first time I have found myself in this position.  I am sure we all have so much to say but struggle to know where to begin.  So perhaps let me begin with who I am and what has got me here to write.

I am a widowed single mother trying to raise a daughter by myself.  I lost my husband three and a half years ago and I have been to hell and back with having to come to terms with such a massive loss in my life.  The way my husband passed away was very unexpected and traumatising, I physically watched him die and to this day I question whether I should have known, could I have saved him if I had seen the signs sooner?!  I have emotionally beat myself up over it and I am still beating myself up.  He was a fit and healthy 31 year old, we had our whole lives still to live together and in a blink of an eye it was all gone.  He was gone, my family was destroyed and things would never be the same again.

However through all this I have kept my head held high, I have got out of bed every single day to take care of our daughter and kept things as normal as possible for her.  I think I have done pretty damn well considering the circumstances. 

I have turned to my faith a lot through all this and I have found it comforting.  I believe that God and his angels watch over me as well as my husband who I now believe is an angel himself.  So that is just the beginning of who I am.  I hope that you'll join me on this journey that I continue. :-)