CBT Time and Tears

I have my appointment with the therapist in an hour and for some reason I am dreading this session. There is no particular reason why I feel this way, I just do not feel open to it today.  I have been debating with myself back and forth for the last 2 weeks whether or not I want to continue with this form of therapy because it is going to be opening a can of worms that I have worked so hard to keep closed.

Why do we do this to ourselves? We know we have a problem and we know that the problem needs to be solved but we are scared to face the problem to solved it even though we know that once we've faced it then it will begin to get better.  Somehow hiding and keeping it within seems to much easier but it really isn't in the long run.

I have found out that my every day life has become affected by what I hold in on the inside.  I will take on and take on and keep taking on and when I do let go I do it alone in my time and behind closed door.  I find it very hard to express my emotions to others, in fact I find it hard to cry in front of others and this alone can be a problem for me because if I don't show tears then people think I don't have emotions which is far from the truth.  I remember when I had just lost my husband, I would be sitting having a cigarette and I'd start to feel tears at the side of my eyes because I was thinking of him, I then remember that people instantly started coming towards me to give me a hug and comfort me and as soon as they'd done this one gesture I had frozen and my tears had dried up.

I fear that I will go to the therapist and show a lack of emotions and she will then see me as having no feelings towards this situation.  In England they have a group of young widows and widowers that come together at a weekend and do a workshop somewhere in the countryside, it's basically a group of people of like mindedness coming together and sharing their experiences and things like that, I desperately wanted to go on this workshop because I felt it would be good for me to meet other people who are in a similar situation but I have stopped myself from going.  The number one reason is that I cannot cry in front of others and I fear that I will be frowned upon for having a lack of emotion even though I am crying deeply on the inside and will release the physical tears later when I am in private.

If you experience this or are experiencing this then I'd love to hear about it.  I would like to know that I am not alone. It does seem odd to me especially when I see other release their tears so easily.

Homework CBT

Today I sit and stare at a page given to me by my CBT therapist.  I am supposed to fill the page in and then take it back to her as part of my treatment however I am avoiding this one tiny piece of paper like the plague.  I've had this piece of paper in my possession for 3 weeks and I need to return it tomorrow at my appointment, if that isn't avoidance then I don't know what is. 

So the next question you may be asking is why am I having CBT and for you who don't know what CBT is, it is short for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.  I have been referred to this treatment for PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  How did I get PTSD and how do I know I have it you may ask?  The way the therapist explained it is very interesting and basic.  I witnessed something traumatic and my brain has gone into overdrive and does not know how to file away these traumatic memories so instead they are still floating around in my brain and causing me PTSD symptoms which are nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, obsessive compulsive behaviours, mood swings and anxiety.  CBT is basically a type of therapy where we are going to go through the trauma step by step and try and get my brain to file away some of these files and at the same time give me coping mechanisms when and if my brain decides it wants to have a flashback etc.

I witnessed my husband die which was an extremely traumatic event in my life.  The circumstances surrounding his death and how he died has made it very difficult to come to terms with.  I don't want to go into too many details yet as that is when I tend to breakdown. 

So back to that little piece of paper I go.  My homework needs to be done if I am going to tackle this, wish me luck. :-)

How to Continue

Today I find myself questioning how to continue with this blog I have created.  This is not the first time I have found myself in this position.  I am sure we all have so much to say but struggle to know where to begin.  So perhaps let me begin with who I am and what has got me here to write.

I am a widowed single mother trying to raise a daughter by myself.  I lost my husband three and a half years ago and I have been to hell and back with having to come to terms with such a massive loss in my life.  The way my husband passed away was very unexpected and traumatising, I physically watched him die and to this day I question whether I should have known, could I have saved him if I had seen the signs sooner?!  I have emotionally beat myself up over it and I am still beating myself up.  He was a fit and healthy 31 year old, we had our whole lives still to live together and in a blink of an eye it was all gone.  He was gone, my family was destroyed and things would never be the same again.

However through all this I have kept my head held high, I have got out of bed every single day to take care of our daughter and kept things as normal as possible for her.  I think I have done pretty damn well considering the circumstances. 

I have turned to my faith a lot through all this and I have found it comforting.  I believe that God and his angels watch over me as well as my husband who I now believe is an angel himself.  So that is just the beginning of who I am.  I hope that you'll join me on this journey that I continue. :-)