Throwing in the Towel

Yesterday was an awful day for me, my Wednesday started like it normally did with a yoga session which I love doing.  However after my session I felt this heavy burden and dread of what day lay ahead of me.

I had my CBT appointment at 13:30 and I did not want to go.  My homework was to write down the exact events that took place when my husband passed away and amazingly I had actually completed this homework on Monday.  The minute I put my pen to paper my hands began shaking and I felt physically sick so I immediately stopped.  I am a touch typist so I got my laptop out and started to write the events down but I was still shaking and feeling sick the entire time, it was that exact same feeling at the pit of my stomach when I had just lost my husband.

I felt proud that I had written it all down and printed it off but felt like absolute rubbish physically and emotionally.  My next task was to read what I had actually written.  Did I do it? Not a chance! I think it was good enough that I had actually written it down, I did not need to be subjected to reading it over and over again and reliving the whole event every single time.  Apparently this is part of the therapy and it becomes easier.

My therapist said I had a skill of avoidance.  I could not have agreed more.  She read what I had written and immediately just sat there and went okay wow, you did extremely well writing all this down followed by have you been reading it like I asked.  I laughed at her and said I have written it, you have read it and I think you're lucky you got that considering how I felt when I wrote it.  Okay she said but for the next 3 weeks I want you to read this every day, I just stared at her with no expression.  She then said it will get easier I promise like I was meant to believe her.

I walked out of the session feeling like someone had run over me with a bus.  I was exhausted and felt like every piece of happiness that remained in me had been taken away.  At that point I felt like throwing in the towel and saying that's it I'm done.  I went home and just lay down on my bed staring into space, I thought this is supposed to make me feel better and I just feel worse. 

So tomorrow is Friday and I haven't read that paper yet.  Am I going to do it? Well if I said no then I may be cutting my nose off to spite my face so yes I am but for now I will avoid it, afterall it's a skill of mine!

CBT Time and Tears

I have my appointment with the therapist in an hour and for some reason I am dreading this session. There is no particular reason why I feel this way, I just do not feel open to it today.  I have been debating with myself back and forth for the last 2 weeks whether or not I want to continue with this form of therapy because it is going to be opening a can of worms that I have worked so hard to keep closed.

Why do we do this to ourselves? We know we have a problem and we know that the problem needs to be solved but we are scared to face the problem to solved it even though we know that once we've faced it then it will begin to get better.  Somehow hiding and keeping it within seems to much easier but it really isn't in the long run.

I have found out that my every day life has become affected by what I hold in on the inside.  I will take on and take on and keep taking on and when I do let go I do it alone in my time and behind closed door.  I find it very hard to express my emotions to others, in fact I find it hard to cry in front of others and this alone can be a problem for me because if I don't show tears then people think I don't have emotions which is far from the truth.  I remember when I had just lost my husband, I would be sitting having a cigarette and I'd start to feel tears at the side of my eyes because I was thinking of him, I then remember that people instantly started coming towards me to give me a hug and comfort me and as soon as they'd done this one gesture I had frozen and my tears had dried up.

I fear that I will go to the therapist and show a lack of emotions and she will then see me as having no feelings towards this situation.  In England they have a group of young widows and widowers that come together at a weekend and do a workshop somewhere in the countryside, it's basically a group of people of like mindedness coming together and sharing their experiences and things like that, I desperately wanted to go on this workshop because I felt it would be good for me to meet other people who are in a similar situation but I have stopped myself from going.  The number one reason is that I cannot cry in front of others and I fear that I will be frowned upon for having a lack of emotion even though I am crying deeply on the inside and will release the physical tears later when I am in private.

If you experience this or are experiencing this then I'd love to hear about it.  I would like to know that I am not alone. It does seem odd to me especially when I see other release their tears so easily.

Homework Again

I managed to complete that page that I was dreading to fill in and only did it 2 hours before my actual appointment with the therapist.  In all fairness I went to yoga this morning and knew that after a yoga session I would be more focused and relaxed in order to complete the dreaded task that lay ahead of me.  So off to therapy I went with this one piece of paper that had been taunting me for 3 weeks only to be given another two pieces of paper to fill out and return for my next session in 2 weeks.  :o(

During today's session we discussed the body and the brains reaction to trauma and it made me realize how much of what I had to witness has messed with my body and brain.  I have always struggled with anxiety and depression but I have always somehow dug myself out of the holes I found myself in.  More recently I have got to a position where I am at a loss on how to continue going forward, it has almost become too much for me and I am just exhausted with continually fighting.  This is what made me seek help because I know myself and I know I need it.

One word that stuck out strongly for me today was the word "bleak."  Funnily enough this is not a word I use often and I can never recall using this word before to describe something.  My therapist asked me how I saw my future now and the word that popped into my head without any hesitation was bleak.  She immediately looked up and said that she heard that word a lot from people and was a very common word to describe their future.

So now I sit with 2 pieces of paper that need to be completed before I see her in 2 weeks.  That one little piece of paper taunted me so much and already these 2 are.  Part of my homework is to keep an ACE log.  Every day I need to write done something for each of those letters which is, achievement, closeness and enjoyment.  Today I have probably made 2 achievement which are completing my homework and writing this blog, let's see how I get on with the rest of the homework.  Wish me luck again. :o)

Homework CBT

Today I sit and stare at a page given to me by my CBT therapist.  I am supposed to fill the page in and then take it back to her as part of my treatment however I am avoiding this one tiny piece of paper like the plague.  I've had this piece of paper in my possession for 3 weeks and I need to return it tomorrow at my appointment, if that isn't avoidance then I don't know what is. 

So the next question you may be asking is why am I having CBT and for you who don't know what CBT is, it is short for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.  I have been referred to this treatment for PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  How did I get PTSD and how do I know I have it you may ask?  The way the therapist explained it is very interesting and basic.  I witnessed something traumatic and my brain has gone into overdrive and does not know how to file away these traumatic memories so instead they are still floating around in my brain and causing me PTSD symptoms which are nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, obsessive compulsive behaviours, mood swings and anxiety.  CBT is basically a type of therapy where we are going to go through the trauma step by step and try and get my brain to file away some of these files and at the same time give me coping mechanisms when and if my brain decides it wants to have a flashback etc.

I witnessed my husband die which was an extremely traumatic event in my life.  The circumstances surrounding his death and how he died has made it very difficult to come to terms with.  I don't want to go into too many details yet as that is when I tend to breakdown. 

So back to that little piece of paper I go.  My homework needs to be done if I am going to tackle this, wish me luck. :-)

Acceptance

Today I pulled a card from the book and card pack called "Meditation Healing, Energize Your Mind and Restore Your Body by Christopher Titus." I pulled this same card yesterday and when I viewed it more closely today, it could not be more accurate in my current situation.  How many of us have low self esteem.  How many of us walk through life each day questioning ourselves and our abilities.  I am the most critical person to myself and I need to stop pulling myself down.  Today I applied for a job that I know I could probably do with my eyes closed however the self doubt and the anxiety is so overwhelming that I automatically feel like I can't do the job when in fact I can.  My current quest is to be more positive, not so much positive with my every day life but more positive onto myself.  If I start to feel like I accept my abilities and have faith in myself then I will accomplish more and the more I accomplish the easier it will become.  So today I will accept that in fact I am not stupid and I do have abilities and I can do anything I set my heart to.