One of those Days

So woke I up this morning and the sun was shining, it was a beautiful spring day.  On Saturday my daughter and I usually take a walk to the library and get some new books and then let our day unfold from there.

I bought my daughter a second hand bicycle the other day and thought it was about time I do this because she is now 5 and I learnt to ride a bicycle without training wheels when I was six years old.  I remember the day clearly when my Dad took my wheels off my bike and I had to learn to balance. 

Anyway, after going to the library my daughter asks if she can go and ride her bicycle to which I respond maybe.  I saw our neighbour on the way back and asked her if she knew of anywhere around that I could take her to ride her bicycle.  She gave me a list of a few places and so I decided that we would go out and I would let my daughter ride her bike.

Immediately after I see where I was going to be going the thought pops into my head, I so wish my hubby was with us and could come with.  I then feel an immense sadness come over me and think of how much nicer it would be to go out as a family.  It is one of those feelings that just eats a person's heart up.

With my brave face on I take my daughter's bicycle out of the house and walk to the car with it.  Just as I go to open up the boot of my car I see a white feather.  My mind immediately points out to me that my hubby is here with us and will be with us but not physically and rather just spiritually.  It eased the pain a little but I was still emotional.

While walking around at our destination there were a ton of couples and families walking around and the sadness just took over again but I tried to stay as upbeat as possible for my daughters sake.  She had fun and thoroughly enjoyed herself.  Another day done and another day missing my dearest husband.

Photos

I used to be one of those people that had photos everywhere in my home.  I had them in my living area, my hallways, in the bedrooms, I literally had them everywhere.  These photos were always ones of loved ones, family members that lived near and far.  There were photos of my husband and I, there were photos of us as a family with our daughter.  Then one day I decided enough is enough, I have had enough of these photos staring me in the face when I get out of bed in the morning, when I eat my breakfast, when I go out and come home, I look too happy and I do not feel this way now.

So one by one I took each photo out of their frame and stored them away.  My issue was and still is, is that I would get all these mixed feelings when staring at these photos.  I would feel the love that I had felt when that exact photo was taken, I would feel how happy we all were, and then I would feel angry and want to throw something across the room in rage because all of it has been taken away. Why should I look at these photos any longer, they are no longer a reflection of how I feel inside.

My home now has only 2 photos that I can visibly see and even one of these photos bothers me.  It is a photo of my husband and I on our honeymoon, whenever I look at it I feel sad, sad because he is no longer here with us and then I get angry.  I loved my husband so much and to see a photo of us both standing there looking so happy is just wrong.  It is just a painful reminder that he is gone but I cannot take this one photograph down because then I am afraid, afraid that he will think I don't love him anymore even though I know that is not true.  So I still face this photograph day after day.

In my hallway I have a picture frame with the word "Love" written in the middle still on my wall which stands empty.  I decided that I was slowly going to fill these frames with new pictures, pictures of our memories now.  Over a year later and this frame still sits on the wall empty.  I just cannot push myself to find photos to fill it with that will bring me joy and happiness.  If you've had a similar experience or are experiencing the same thing then I would love to hear what you have done.

CBT Time and Tears

I have my appointment with the therapist in an hour and for some reason I am dreading this session. There is no particular reason why I feel this way, I just do not feel open to it today.  I have been debating with myself back and forth for the last 2 weeks whether or not I want to continue with this form of therapy because it is going to be opening a can of worms that I have worked so hard to keep closed.

Why do we do this to ourselves? We know we have a problem and we know that the problem needs to be solved but we are scared to face the problem to solved it even though we know that once we've faced it then it will begin to get better.  Somehow hiding and keeping it within seems to much easier but it really isn't in the long run.

I have found out that my every day life has become affected by what I hold in on the inside.  I will take on and take on and keep taking on and when I do let go I do it alone in my time and behind closed door.  I find it very hard to express my emotions to others, in fact I find it hard to cry in front of others and this alone can be a problem for me because if I don't show tears then people think I don't have emotions which is far from the truth.  I remember when I had just lost my husband, I would be sitting having a cigarette and I'd start to feel tears at the side of my eyes because I was thinking of him, I then remember that people instantly started coming towards me to give me a hug and comfort me and as soon as they'd done this one gesture I had frozen and my tears had dried up.

I fear that I will go to the therapist and show a lack of emotions and she will then see me as having no feelings towards this situation.  In England they have a group of young widows and widowers that come together at a weekend and do a workshop somewhere in the countryside, it's basically a group of people of like mindedness coming together and sharing their experiences and things like that, I desperately wanted to go on this workshop because I felt it would be good for me to meet other people who are in a similar situation but I have stopped myself from going.  The number one reason is that I cannot cry in front of others and I fear that I will be frowned upon for having a lack of emotion even though I am crying deeply on the inside and will release the physical tears later when I am in private.

If you experience this or are experiencing this then I'd love to hear about it.  I would like to know that I am not alone. It does seem odd to me especially when I see other release their tears so easily.