Throwing Away

When my husband passed away we had only just moved into our first rented house, before this we had been living in apartments and we were excited to finally have a bigger place and a garden.  22 days later he was gone and I was left to make big decisions.

My biggest decision was to move countries to go and live with family members, it seemed like the best solution at the time because I could not imagine living in the same house where I had witnessed such a heartbreaking event, it made me physically sick.

Our boxes of possessions still sat in the garage for us to unpack, I had only managed to really unpack the things for the kitchen and our bedroom.  We had only moved countries 4 months previously and had sold all our old furniture to keep shipping costs at a minimum.

There I sat with this decision to move countries and with it came the sorting of what I wanted to keep and what I wanted to sell or donate.  How could I have made rational decisions in such a state?!  However I plough through our possessions, a lot of baby things I had kept for when we had our second child, I put all that aside because that dream was now shattered.  I donated most of my husbands clothes, all his work shirts, t-shirts, trousers, shoes, etc, now I wish I had kept these because later on I found that some people had made beautiful blankets or pillow cases from these items.

I slowly got through each room in the house and each box in the garage.  The emotions that I went through were excruciating, I remember sorting through the boxes and silently crying, tears were literally pouring out my eyes but I kept going, I kept sorting and I kept throwing away our past and our future.

Today I sit with only a few possessions that were my husbands and I keep them in a keepsake box, this box will eventually become my daughters when she is older.  The biggest thing I have of ours is our photos and videos, I am so afraid of losing these files and have backed them up about 3 times on different devices.  I read somewhere some years later which made me feel better about only having a few items left that were my husbands, it said it's not about how many possessions you have, it's about the memories and they are more important than any possessions,  this is so very true and this has comforted me somewhat.   Keep your memories close, they are more valuable that you realize.

Homework Again

I managed to complete that page that I was dreading to fill in and only did it 2 hours before my actual appointment with the therapist.  In all fairness I went to yoga this morning and knew that after a yoga session I would be more focused and relaxed in order to complete the dreaded task that lay ahead of me.  So off to therapy I went with this one piece of paper that had been taunting me for 3 weeks only to be given another two pieces of paper to fill out and return for my next session in 2 weeks.  :o(

During today's session we discussed the body and the brains reaction to trauma and it made me realize how much of what I had to witness has messed with my body and brain.  I have always struggled with anxiety and depression but I have always somehow dug myself out of the holes I found myself in.  More recently I have got to a position where I am at a loss on how to continue going forward, it has almost become too much for me and I am just exhausted with continually fighting.  This is what made me seek help because I know myself and I know I need it.

One word that stuck out strongly for me today was the word "bleak."  Funnily enough this is not a word I use often and I can never recall using this word before to describe something.  My therapist asked me how I saw my future now and the word that popped into my head without any hesitation was bleak.  She immediately looked up and said that she heard that word a lot from people and was a very common word to describe their future.

So now I sit with 2 pieces of paper that need to be completed before I see her in 2 weeks.  That one little piece of paper taunted me so much and already these 2 are.  Part of my homework is to keep an ACE log.  Every day I need to write done something for each of those letters which is, achievement, closeness and enjoyment.  Today I have probably made 2 achievement which are completing my homework and writing this blog, let's see how I get on with the rest of the homework.  Wish me luck again. :o)

Awkward

Losing someone we love and very close to us is in itself a very difficult thing to come to terms with, another thing that is difficult is dealing with the awkwardness that comes from people when we speak to them.

Slowly but surely the people that I had spoken to previously with ease have somehow become awkward around me and avoid me at all costs.  I can totally understand this as I have had people around me that had lost loved ones and you know you get that feeling like, what must I say, what if I say the wrong thing, I wonder how they are coping, should I ask them?!

As someone who has lost their husband, it would be nice for people to know that they should just keep being themselves to their friends and loved ones after they have suffered such a lose.  We almost feel like we have had to deal with such a massive loss already and then to deal with losing friends and family due to awkwardness it becomes all too much to bear.

It still happens to me three and a half years down the road.  As soon as people find out that I have lost my husband they almost shut down and don't know what to say to me, even if I am the one to start the conversation and I am bubbly towards them.  I now find myself hiding the fact that I am a widow.  Of course having a child instantly brings up questions about my partner and I am not about to lie.

I remember going to get Chinese take away one evening with my daughter, as we place our order we sat down to a very young friendly lady who was waiting for her order.  She started to talk to me and my daughter and we engaged like people do until eventually the words popped out of her mouth to my daughter......."I bet you're a real little Daddy's girl, I know I was when I was your age." How do you respond to this, luckily my daughter ignored her and didn't engage in her question and we moved swiftly from it.  I also still wear my engagement and wedding rings because I have not felt ready to take them off.

I guess what I am trying to get from this post is, is that if you or someone you know loses someone close to them, the best thing you can do is be yourself.  Talk about the things you previously talked about, if the person who has lost someone wants to talk to you about their loss then they will let you know and believe it or not, sometimes they don't want answers or solutions, they just want a pair of ears that will listen, we just want to be treated like we were before the loss, as a friend!

Homework CBT

Today I sit and stare at a page given to me by my CBT therapist.  I am supposed to fill the page in and then take it back to her as part of my treatment however I am avoiding this one tiny piece of paper like the plague.  I've had this piece of paper in my possession for 3 weeks and I need to return it tomorrow at my appointment, if that isn't avoidance then I don't know what is. 

So the next question you may be asking is why am I having CBT and for you who don't know what CBT is, it is short for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.  I have been referred to this treatment for PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  How did I get PTSD and how do I know I have it you may ask?  The way the therapist explained it is very interesting and basic.  I witnessed something traumatic and my brain has gone into overdrive and does not know how to file away these traumatic memories so instead they are still floating around in my brain and causing me PTSD symptoms which are nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, obsessive compulsive behaviours, mood swings and anxiety.  CBT is basically a type of therapy where we are going to go through the trauma step by step and try and get my brain to file away some of these files and at the same time give me coping mechanisms when and if my brain decides it wants to have a flashback etc.

I witnessed my husband die which was an extremely traumatic event in my life.  The circumstances surrounding his death and how he died has made it very difficult to come to terms with.  I don't want to go into too many details yet as that is when I tend to breakdown. 

So back to that little piece of paper I go.  My homework needs to be done if I am going to tackle this, wish me luck. :-)

How to Continue

Today I find myself questioning how to continue with this blog I have created.  This is not the first time I have found myself in this position.  I am sure we all have so much to say but struggle to know where to begin.  So perhaps let me begin with who I am and what has got me here to write.

I am a widowed single mother trying to raise a daughter by myself.  I lost my husband three and a half years ago and I have been to hell and back with having to come to terms with such a massive loss in my life.  The way my husband passed away was very unexpected and traumatising, I physically watched him die and to this day I question whether I should have known, could I have saved him if I had seen the signs sooner?!  I have emotionally beat myself up over it and I am still beating myself up.  He was a fit and healthy 31 year old, we had our whole lives still to live together and in a blink of an eye it was all gone.  He was gone, my family was destroyed and things would never be the same again.

However through all this I have kept my head held high, I have got out of bed every single day to take care of our daughter and kept things as normal as possible for her.  I think I have done pretty damn well considering the circumstances. 

I have turned to my faith a lot through all this and I have found it comforting.  I believe that God and his angels watch over me as well as my husband who I now believe is an angel himself.  So that is just the beginning of who I am.  I hope that you'll join me on this journey that I continue. :-)

Cherub Angel Cards for Children

My daughter lost her Daddy when she was only 18 months of age.  She obviously cannot remember losing him and also cannot remember him at all.  Over the last 3 and a half years I have made the most effort to keep his spirit alive and I always tell her that her Daddy is here with us, we may not see him but he can see us and that he loves us very much.  Whenever I have seen a feather while walking with my daughter I have said it was a message sent from heaven by the Angels and as a result, whenever she sees a feather she points it out and says it's from her Daddy.  Once my daughter got a bit older she started to question where Daddy was more and then question where heaven was which can be a very difficult question to answer. 

Today I received a book that a friend of mine had recommended and this book was fantastic.  My faith is in God and the Angels and I have tried to explain the best I could to my young daughter.  If anyone is in the same situation as I am or even just discussing God and the Angels with your young ones and they begin asking questions then I can highly recommend the book, "Thank you, Angel by Doreen Virtue with Kristin Tracy."

I have also found that keeping a photo of my late husband next to her bed and telling her to talk to her Daddy was a good idea, this has let her know that her Daddy is here with us all the time and that she can talk to him anytime.

My friend also suggested another little gem and this gem is the Cherub Angel Cards for Children by Doreen Virtue.  I have many of Doreens pack of cards myself but I was totally taken back at how adorable, sweet and gentle these cards are.  Tonight my 5 year old daughter chose a card and the card she chose was just so amazing.  The card she chose was, "Listen Closely and You'll Hear Messages." Like the adult cards it comes with a little guidebook on each card.  I had previously used the "Angel Cards for Children by Diana Cooper" however these cards are a little large for tiny hands and will perhaps serve my daughter better when she gets a bit older.

So I highly recommend both the book and the cards by Doreen Virtue, we shall be choosing a card every night before my daughter goes to sleep.

Acceptance

Today I pulled a card from the book and card pack called "Meditation Healing, Energize Your Mind and Restore Your Body by Christopher Titus." I pulled this same card yesterday and when I viewed it more closely today, it could not be more accurate in my current situation.  How many of us have low self esteem.  How many of us walk through life each day questioning ourselves and our abilities.  I am the most critical person to myself and I need to stop pulling myself down.  Today I applied for a job that I know I could probably do with my eyes closed however the self doubt and the anxiety is so overwhelming that I automatically feel like I can't do the job when in fact I can.  My current quest is to be more positive, not so much positive with my every day life but more positive onto myself.  If I start to feel like I accept my abilities and have faith in myself then I will accomplish more and the more I accomplish the easier it will become.  So today I will accept that in fact I am not stupid and I do have abilities and I can do anything I set my heart to.