My Angel Stands Beside Me
Saturday, 9 April 2016
One of those Days
Monday, 4 April 2016
Spring Clean
So the kids have been off of school now for just over a week here in England and last week we kept ourselves pretty occupied, we managed to go to a farm, did some soft play and odd things here and there. Yesterday we even attended a birthday party where my daughter got to burn off a ton of energy.
This morning I woke up and for some unknown reason I got a bee in my bonnet. I get these urges sometimes where I open a drawer or cupboard and go urggggg and start to randomly sort through and get rid of everything. Today was one of those days and my daughters room got the brunt of my get rid of splurge. Of course now I'm on one of my random cleans and now I want to tackle my drawers and cupboard in my bedroom and also the kitchen. It does funnily enough make me feel much lighter and better once I've managed to chuck a whole load of rubbish out the door.
I did also manage to sort through my dreaded paperwork, paperwork that was from when my husband was still alive and it felt good to finally say goodbye to most of it. I guess it's another chapter that is being closed, no point holding onto random bills etc.
So today I feel lighter, I kind of hope I wake up in the same frame of mind tomorrow and I can tackle more, let us see. :-)
Monday, 28 March 2016
Going Quiet
So I have gone quiet and have not written anything for a while. I have times where I withdraw, withdraw from people and the world because it's the way that I find I can cope with what is going on inside of me.
So my cousin has been having a hard time since January and I have tried to be there for her as much as I possibly can. Meanwhile I have been dealing with my own demons by myself, not once letting her or anyone else know what was really going on. In fact last month a few days before my wedding anniversary I ended up in A&E thinking that I might be dying. The staff at the hospital were so good with me and I was lucky enough to have a really good friend by my side during the whole ordeal. It turns out that it is my mind again and my body reacting to what is going on in the inside. My heart rate was above 120, I was shaking, I felt sore all over my body and I couldn't catch my breath properly. Anyone who has had panic attacks will understand these symptoms and this was exactly what was happening to me. I'm not new to panic attacks but I have medication to take when I feel one coming on except this time the medication didn't touch the panic and so I landed up at A&E.
After this ordeal I felt exhausted, physically and mentally just exhausted. I did not end up going to my CBT appointment and I have not been back since. To be honest I just feel like it is causing me more harm than good, perhaps it's just the timing but then when is the best time.
Holidays again now and it is just my daughter and I. I have tried my very best to make Easter fun for her but at the back of my mind I feel so lonely that my husband is not here experiencing this with us. Today I get a phone call from my cousin to go over for dinner, she is one of those people that think I should get over my shit and be in a different relationship already. I so wish it was that easy and I pray that she is never put under the circumstances that I find myself in. So I will get my daughter and I dressed and merrily go over there for dinner and act like nothing is wrong, like all is good and when I come home tonight I feel exhausted from having to fake smile and pretend to be happy when inside my heart is torn in half.
Thursday, 4 February 2016
Throwing in the Towel
Yesterday was an awful day for me, my Wednesday started like it normally did with a yoga session which I love doing. However after my session I felt this heavy burden and dread of what day lay ahead of me.
I had my CBT appointment at 13:30 and I did not want to go. My homework was to write down the exact events that took place when my husband passed away and amazingly I had actually completed this homework on Monday. The minute I put my pen to paper my hands began shaking and I felt physically sick so I immediately stopped. I am a touch typist so I got my laptop out and started to write the events down but I was still shaking and feeling sick the entire time, it was that exact same feeling at the pit of my stomach when I had just lost my husband.
I felt proud that I had written it all down and printed it off but felt like absolute rubbish physically and emotionally. My next task was to read what I had actually written. Did I do it? Not a chance! I think it was good enough that I had actually written it down, I did not need to be subjected to reading it over and over again and reliving the whole event every single time. Apparently this is part of the therapy and it becomes easier.
My therapist said I had a skill of avoidance. I could not have agreed more. She read what I had written and immediately just sat there and went okay wow, you did extremely well writing all this down followed by have you been reading it like I asked. I laughed at her and said I have written it, you have read it and I think you're lucky you got that considering how I felt when I wrote it. Okay she said but for the next 3 weeks I want you to read this every day, I just stared at her with no expression. She then said it will get easier I promise like I was meant to believe her.
I walked out of the session feeling like someone had run over me with a bus. I was exhausted and felt like every piece of happiness that remained in me had been taken away. At that point I felt like throwing in the towel and saying that's it I'm done. I went home and just lay down on my bed staring into space, I thought this is supposed to make me feel better and I just feel worse.
So tomorrow is Friday and I haven't read that paper yet. Am I going to do it? Well if I said no then I may be cutting my nose off to spite my face so yes I am but for now I will avoid it, afterall it's a skill of mine!
Wednesday, 27 January 2016
Photos
So one by one I took each photo out of their frame and stored them away. My issue was and still is, is that I would get all these mixed feelings when staring at these photos. I would feel the love that I had felt when that exact photo was taken, I would feel how happy we all were, and then I would feel angry and want to throw something across the room in rage because all of it has been taken away. Why should I look at these photos any longer, they are no longer a reflection of how I feel inside.
My home now has only 2 photos that I can visibly see and even one of these photos bothers me. It is a photo of my husband and I on our honeymoon, whenever I look at it I feel sad, sad because he is no longer here with us and then I get angry. I loved my husband so much and to see a photo of us both standing there looking so happy is just wrong. It is just a painful reminder that he is gone but I cannot take this one photograph down because then I am afraid, afraid that he will think I don't love him anymore even though I know that is not true. So I still face this photograph day after day.
In my hallway I have a picture frame with the word "Love" written in the middle still on my wall which stands empty. I decided that I was slowly going to fill these frames with new pictures, pictures of our memories now. Over a year later and this frame still sits on the wall empty. I just cannot push myself to find photos to fill it with that will bring me joy and happiness. If you've had a similar experience or are experiencing the same thing then I would love to hear what you have done.
CBT Time and Tears
Why do we do this to ourselves? We know we have a problem and we know that the problem needs to be solved but we are scared to face the problem to solved it even though we know that once we've faced it then it will begin to get better. Somehow hiding and keeping it within seems to much easier but it really isn't in the long run.
I have found out that my every day life has become affected by what I hold in on the inside. I will take on and take on and keep taking on and when I do let go I do it alone in my time and behind closed door. I find it very hard to express my emotions to others, in fact I find it hard to cry in front of others and this alone can be a problem for me because if I don't show tears then people think I don't have emotions which is far from the truth. I remember when I had just lost my husband, I would be sitting having a cigarette and I'd start to feel tears at the side of my eyes because I was thinking of him, I then remember that people instantly started coming towards me to give me a hug and comfort me and as soon as they'd done this one gesture I had frozen and my tears had dried up.
I fear that I will go to the therapist and show a lack of emotions and she will then see me as having no feelings towards this situation. In England they have a group of young widows and widowers that come together at a weekend and do a workshop somewhere in the countryside, it's basically a group of people of like mindedness coming together and sharing their experiences and things like that, I desperately wanted to go on this workshop because I felt it would be good for me to meet other people who are in a similar situation but I have stopped myself from going. The number one reason is that I cannot cry in front of others and I fear that I will be frowned upon for having a lack of emotion even though I am crying deeply on the inside and will release the physical tears later when I am in private.
If you experience this or are experiencing this then I'd love to hear about it. I would like to know that I am not alone. It does seem odd to me especially when I see other release their tears so easily.