I have my appointment with the therapist in an hour and for some reason I am dreading this session. There is no particular reason why I feel this way, I just do not feel open to it today. I have been debating with myself back and forth for the last 2 weeks whether or not I want to continue with this form of therapy because it is going to be opening a can of worms that I have worked so hard to keep closed.
Why do we do this to ourselves? We know we have a problem and we know that the problem needs to be solved but we are scared to face the problem to solved it even though we know that once we've faced it then it will begin to get better. Somehow hiding and keeping it within seems to much easier but it really isn't in the long run.
I have found out that my every day life has become affected by what I hold in on the inside. I will take on and take on and keep taking on and when I do let go I do it alone in my time and behind closed door. I find it very hard to express my emotions to others, in fact I find it hard to cry in front of others and this alone can be a problem for me because if I don't show tears then people think I don't have emotions which is far from the truth. I remember when I had just lost my husband, I would be sitting having a cigarette and I'd start to feel tears at the side of my eyes because I was thinking of him, I then remember that people instantly started coming towards me to give me a hug and comfort me and as soon as they'd done this one gesture I had frozen and my tears had dried up.
I fear that I will go to the therapist and show a lack of emotions and she will then see me as having no feelings towards this situation. In England they have a group of young widows and widowers that come together at a weekend and do a workshop somewhere in the countryside, it's basically a group of people of like mindedness coming together and sharing their experiences and things like that, I desperately wanted to go on this workshop because I felt it would be good for me to meet other people who are in a similar situation but I have stopped myself from going. The number one reason is that I cannot cry in front of others and I fear that I will be frowned upon for having a lack of emotion even though I am crying deeply on the inside and will release the physical tears later when I am in private.
If you experience this or are experiencing this then I'd love to hear about it. I would like to know that I am not alone. It does seem odd to me especially when I see other release their tears so easily.